Within the Eye

I have found a sense of calmness, serenity within the eye of the storm. Among winds of anticipation and rains of excitement--dancing under thunder for a new life...I am calm. Sacredly waiting on this unborn soul, the one carried within me. She is her own being, and in her innate state will emerge when she is ready. When stars and moon are aligned, amidst natural order, this little life will make her entrance into the world. Bringing new beauty and light as she takes her place at our table.

Painting by Papaya

Thirty-eight: The Weird Weeks

                                                                      -Jenn at 38-weeks, courtesy of Grinols Productions.

I am in my final few weeks of pregnancy, and I must say--it gets real weird.  I kind of think it's a "forgotten time" for most people, only because it's for such a brief period, and then baby mode immediately kicks in after the birth.  Most people probably forget the whirlwind of emotions and physical weirdness that goes on during this time, because once you have the baby, it's just a part of the past. But it's been important for me to blog about these weeks, not only to process them for my own sake, but perhaps to even give other pregnant women validation for what they may be going through.

The best way I can describe these final weeks is "pure roller coaster".  For me, since I'm preparing for a natural childbirth, it's like anticipating a full triathalon...one you hope you're physically ready for because any intense exercise went out the window forever ago.  One that you keep trying to mentally prepare for and can only pray you're doing the right things.  Not only are you trying to get ready for this major event, but you are not sure what day it will be held on.  It will be like a finger tap on the shoulder notifying you that you're about to embark on one of the most major challenges and turning points of your life, effective immediately.

In addition to all of this, I also like to add to this metaphor saying I would be in another country through this triathalon.  Everything feels so completely foreign to me as my birth approaches.  I have never given birth, and I have never been a mom.  The challenge is keeping up confidence in both aspects.  All of these feelings, topped off with knowing you will ultimately be responsible for another life, can often be quite overwhelming.    

So through this mess of feelings, I've also had to reconcile the fact that I have lost total control of my body.  In my case, since I've had heartburn and nausea in these final stages, it has changed the way I'm used to eating.  Changes also have occurred in drinking, sleeping, and normal daily activities.  Basically, nothing in your life is much of the same--all control is lost.  In my last blog entry, I came to my "ah ha" moment when I realized I couldn't take on everything I was used to doing.  This is when I relinquished my work--which was hard, because I love my work.  It felt like the life I had worked so hard to build, stone by stone, I was having to unbuild, stone by stone.  I knew that I would build it back just as full, and even more wonderful, but I didn't know what it would look like--I still don't know what it will look like.  It's the unknown that I think can be the hardest part.

So to all of the women who are in these final stages, it isn't always a picnic.  It is normal to feel overwhelmed, have meltdowns and feel out of control.  It is normal to feel scared about what the next few weeks have in store, to have one day where you are completely exhausted--and the next day you feel like a million bucks.  It's normal to often be on edge because you're nervous of how and when your water might break, or that your bladder will fail you.  It's normal to have new cramps, pains, contractions and pressure that feel completely foreign.  Let's just say--these are weird weeks.

To all of the spouses--it's easy for everyone to forget how hard you are working to take care of your woman and baby.  Anticipation and stress can especially high for spouses during this time.  For Dustin, he works his full-time job and comes home to working a second job helping with the house, yard, dinner, assembling nursery items, and other "baby preparation" tasks.  As if Christmas were to come any day, he's ready for me to "unwrap this baby"--he's ready to meet his daughter.  What has made our weeks go smoothly as a couple is to give one another complete grace and understanding.  He has been so loving & helpful towards me with all of my physical and emotional changes.  I couldn't ask for anyone better.  And I have tried my best to be empathetic towards him as he has taken on a full plate.  I try to make sure he gets to take time during the week to hit golf balls, play pool with a friend, exercise or take a motorcycle ride.  These things only last a few hours, but help him manage any tension built from working so hard or anticipating the birth.

                                                                        -Jenn & Dustin, courtesy of Grinols Productions.

So some out there may be reading and asking, "Wait...why would I want to go through such a roller coaster?"  As I mentioned above, this is a short stage and like any stage in life--it passes.  It doesn't mean it isn't hard at the time, or that you shouldn't feel validated through each step of the way.  But just like a true triathalon, the preparation and journey to complete the event is just as important as the event itself.  As I have mentioned in another blog post--the process is transformative.  And one also has to remember there are coping mechanisms and resources.  Yes, the first part of this blog entry may be me describing the "ailments", but there are also remedies.  Below are some of mine:

• The art of acceptance - Learn to accept what place you are in, and that you may not have control.  Once you are able to accept, you can embrace.  
• Embrace - As for me, my body feels like it's going into "hibernation mode", stocking up on rest before the baby.  Embrace that it may be one of the token times in life that you can take naps, relaxing baths, and long meals.  I've been told those things don't stick once the baby comes. (-;
• Ask for help...and take it! - Your body slows down for a reason, so don't try to be "superwoman" and do everything you're used to doing.  I had a mom tell me she would ask her husband to keep their first child busy so she could get some rest.  She then found herself doing chores and housework.  In the grand scheme of things, your rest, health and baby's health trumps housework.  It's easy to get anxious before your birth and want to stay busy, but find restful ways to shed the anxiety like reading a book, listening to music in the bath or bed, gently stretching or listening to meditations.  For me, I found birthing meditations on Spotify, you can also get online or buy them through itunes.  They have really helped me with physical relaxation and calming the mind.   
• Don't overcommit - There are always things in the world to take on, and they can most likely wait.  As mentioned above, it's easy to want to stay busy, but listen to your body and inner conscience--if it says you're too tired, or if it feel like too much, just say no.  You're first priority is providing a home for a baby, and it's a lot of work in itself.
• Seek information - A wise friend once told me that information remedies anxiety.  Whether you are feeling anxious or just a bit of anticipation, seek out knowledge and information on what your body is going through and will go through during birth.  We have gotten so accustomed in our society to handing over our health to doctors and health care professionals, and as we are very fortunate to have them, I believe it's important to stay educated on what your individual body is going through.  In most healthcare cases, we have options--and pregnancy and childbirth isn't any different.  There are so many choices and options when it comes to your body and baby, don't undercut yourself through your prenatal process.  Babycenter.com is a good start to reading about many options and what other women are going through.  A phenomenal book I have come across is The Thinking Women's Guide to a Better Birth, by Henci Goer.  I actually would even recommend it over Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  As much as I enjoy Ina May and feel like she gives great perspective and information, Henci is able to present straight forward facts, research, and information in a way that could fit any personality.

So through the "roller coaster" of emotions and physical stages, I'm not sure we can expect true transformation or growth if we are not open to embarking on the hardships as well.  I read somewhere that said, "If we cannot accept all of life, we cannot truly live."  These words have rang true over the past nine months, and after this time, I can honestly say I have gone through immense transformation that wouldn't exist if there weren't storms along the way.  Even through these last few weeks, there is no doubt in my mind that my birth story will be empowering and worthy all of this preparation.  There is no doubt that once Lelu arrives, despite all of the "baby hardships", one smile from her will make everything worth it.  To be able to create a miracle with the love of my life, and embark on this journey with him and those around me is so incredible and powerful.  When compared to the aches, pains, and meltdowns--it makes them seem quite minute.

So on June 13th, I am signing off.  I wish I could say I will write before Lelu arrives, but I'm not sure I can make that promise.  This could possibly be the end of the beginning--the final chapter in my pregnancy.  The next chapter--parenthood.