So for any moms out there who are in their home stretch--give yourself GRACE. I have found myself saying over the last several weeks that I am "slowing down", but I have to say the last two days I have truly hit a wall and some realizations. Everyone's schedule and work/home situation is different, but I have found myself frustrated because I don't have the energy for everything I'm used to doing throughout the week. I'm still working a pretty normal load, but then home and nursery things have been getting neglected. Normally, as someone who could manage my palette of responsibilities, it has felt quite impossible--making me feel inadequate. Now of course, no one imposes those thoughts on me but myself. My husband, friends and family are nothing but loving and supportive. So yesterday I had to reach a point where I cultivated my own personal reconciliation, no one else could do it for me.
The week had already been physically tolling, with Lelu getting bigger--this baby is present in every moment in my day. The weight I inevitably am carrying has began pulling at me with every task. But I woke up Friday morning determined to have a good day, a day of productivity. After getting a good shower in and tackling and errand, I began having some Braxton Hicks contractions and extreme nausea began setting in. I drove to the supermarket and sat in the car--having a hard time breathing, feeling clammy and crampy, I sat outside in the parking lot trying to gather the energy just to go in. But in that moment, I couldn't do it--I physically couldn't do it. I just thought about how I had clients in a few hours, and all of the things I still needed to accomplish that day. The inadequacy set in, and as I started to drive back home I began to sob. It was hormonal, it was emotional, it was physical. I thought of other pregnant women who seemed to tackle so much, and all I could do was compare myself to what I perceived as their strong resilience.
When I arrived home, I dreaded lying down again--I felt like my bed and the couch had seen enough of me over the past week. But I knew I needed to rest and regroup. I put on a Tara Brach podcast--she offers dharma talks and her voice and perspective immediately triggers a relaxation response within me. Lying down, I felt my body calm down, and I started to listen to her words. She soon said something that resonated with me that day, "When we are suffering, we are feeding into the stories about ourselves." And at this point, it dawned on me that the sobbing and frustration was more about the story I had created about being inadequate--it wasn't real. The God-given truth is I am adequate, I'm more than adequate, and I'm growing a baby. Things begin to change very quickly when you're growing a baby.
Tara went onto talk about how pain is inevitable at times, but the suffering is optional. And in my case, I can't control the contractions, cramping, nausea--but I can control if my mind is going to suffer because of it. And at that moment, my pregnancy had come full circle--I remembered one of the earliest concepts I blogged about: presence. I realized I am in the midst one of the most tender, softest, maternal, and even spiritual points in my life. My body has literally softened with the relaxin setting in. My emotions are softer and more sensitive, everything within me is molding into a maternal state so I can care for my newborn. And I thought, "Why am I fighting this? Why am I not embracing this unique time while I have it?" I had been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do errands, chores, appointments, etc. But the reality is that I'm not supposed to be running around in a chaotic state. If you look at things from a natural childbirth angle--my body is purposely slowing down so it can go through the changes, cycles and preparation it needs to in order to safely deliver this baby. And in the big scheme of things, I don't want to bring my child into a hectic, chaotic environment. That was something I had decided early in my pregnancy, coming full-circle once again.
So instead of focusing and fantasizing about all of the things I can't do, I have decided to embrace the things I can do. I can relax for hours on end--a rarity within our society. I can read a book, I can write or call friends, I can gradually prepare Lelu's room, I can stretch, I can meditate, and I can bond with the life within me. I can push aside the tendencies to compare myself to others, or to physically overexert myself Who needs it? For I have found it is in learning to be present that we can genuinely embrace, and even sometimes enjoy, the place we are immediately in. As John Lennon says, "Life it what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." The home-stretch of a pregnancy isn't always comfortable, but it is such a unique time in life. I'm going to choose to set the business aside and be present for life.
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