Nine, Ten...a Mama Hen.

I've gotten a bit behind on my blog the last few weeks, even though I haven't felt like there have been major changes, I know they are happening.  The baby has completed the most critical portion of development.  Tiny nails are forming on fingers and toes and fuzz hair is beginning to grow on his/her skin.  The baby is kicking up a storm!  Although...I can't feel it just yet, he/she is the size of a kumquat.  No one really prepares you for all of the changes you go through within the first few months--so much happens before anyone can even tell you're pregnant.  They say a baby changes your life, and I believe it starts when that baby is conceived.

As I have written, the physical changes come one after another, and it can be strange when you've never worried about heartburn, sciatica, or a woozy stomach before.  To be quite honest--I salute all of the pregnant women with full-time jobs, I don't know how they do it.  I hear stories about women throwing up in their office trash cans throughout the day, my heart goes out to them.  I know there are some drugs out on the market now that can help with the sickness, and although I haven't had to take them, I most likely would if I had to report to work every morning at 8 a.m.  Fortunately as a yoga instructor just venturing into my teaching, I've been very blessed to be able to take the mornings slow and rest whenever I need.  

But most importantly, I tribute the single moms and those who don't have family or close friends to support them.  I don't know if I could have made it this far without my husband and people around me, the changes can be overwhelming and support has made it so much better.  For those out there with a partner, their lives shift too.  And if they don't--I can tell it would be very easy to grow in different directions.  Dustin and I are very social people, and through the physical changes, it definitely prohibits me from being as socially active.  My husband has been wonderful enough to follow suit, we've stayed in a bit more and had to get more creative with our time together.  I wouldn't say we're lame--I was dancing to the Hosty Duo just a few weeks ago, but you definitely have to prioritize your energy!

So just within the last few weeks, I started to feel much better and joined the holiday hustle and bustle...only about 1/3 of what I would usually do.  Turns out it was too strenuous for my body and I need to be resting more!  I was a bit bummed having to cut down on some holiday festivities, but after some sulking, I made a list of all of the things I want to do with my time:  write more, read more, meditate more, make more music, connect more, be more present in life.  So approaching week eleven, I am like a mother hen sitting on her nest, and I am using it as an opportunity to grow.

Since I have been forced to slow down, ironically in the midst of the busiest time of year, I have been able to gain this insight: Tara Brach, one of my favorite speakers, talks about how we as a society tend to move forward so quickly--anticipating and rushing into our next task or moment.  It has become hard for us as individuals to "just be".  The Chinese symbol for speed means "heart-killing", and we have to admit, the pace of our society can definitely start chipping away at our hearts and bodies.  Tara goes onto explain that we tend to rush through life either because we're afraid something bad might happen if we stop, or something is missing.  Either way, it's okay to have full lives, but there are other ways to manage them.  It is possible to stop, breathe, absorb and be present in our moments because when we are--our actions and choices come from a much more genuine and calm place.  Ghandi took one day a week for prayer and meditation, and we can only imagine how busy that man was.  If one of the most influential men in history could manage time to slow down, can't we?

It's not easy to sit with ourselves and emotions, but if we can soften ourselves to whatever we may be feeling--offer compassion to those places of frustration, doubt, uncomfort--we are able to create space for healing, insight, and peace.  I practice this with my yoga students regularly, but in a physical capacity.  I always ask them if there are any places in their bodies that are tight, or have been aching/hurting. After identifying those spots, we work on breathing into those areas, soften them, and focus on healing energy.    I have to say, everyone always comes away from our meditation with a better sense of awareness and often feeling better on several different levels.

Pregnant or not, I'm sure we could all slow down a bit during the holidays.  There are so many opportunities to enjoy people, moments, music, giving, time together, glowing lights and perhaps traditions.  All I know, it I hope to offer the gift of presence to my little person who will be so important to me.  I want to take in our moments together, the ups and downs, with a fully attentive heart.  I once heard this:  we don't have the time to rush.  Life is short, and I can only imagine the moments start to fly with a child.  Absorb your moments with your loved ones, because I believe at the end of our lives, they are the ones that matter.

Eight: The Growth Process

So only hours after I grumbled through my blog entry, I gained some new perspective.  Lord knows I needed it...I wasn't feeling very cheery last week in my sweat pants, bloated belly, and ratty hair.  There are low points to being pregnant, but objectively, they seem to be "shallow"lows--balanced out by a sense of goodness and knowledge of something bigger.  I may be nauseated and tired, but it's pretty cool to know that there's a little person in my belly, and my body's just going through some adjustments.  And I have to admit--venting via blogging sure does feel better!

I gained new perspective that Monday during a visit with my co-worker, she was expressing that she was entering a major life change.  She had finally made the break from a five-year boyfriend, embraced her new city, and was making an attempt to focus on her career and self-care.  As she was telling me about her shift, she was enthusiastic but also admitted, "change is really hard".

I reflected on those words a bit...it was only hours before that I had written about the changes I was going through, and how they weren't easy.  As I listened to my friend and co-worker, I realized we were in completely different places in life, but weren't so different at all.  We were both going through some major changes in life, and quite frankly--both circumstances were a bit scary and hard.  It can be difficult entering new territory mentally, emotionally or even physically, and I decided that with these kind of changes can come growing pains.  It's the beauty of evolving into a new place, but can sometimes feel uncomfortable.

It is only when we open ourselves up to change and new beginnings, we are able to receive abundance and blessings.  It does require taking a leap of faith--believing that what comes next will be more enriching than the place before.  But once we can accept the change as organic and progressive, creating space for the process and growing pains, we are able to move into that new place much more fluidly.  It feels less scary, easier, and even peaceful.

So this insight has carried me into the new week, and the art of acceptance and presence are two concepts I'm trying to embrace.  I also found that in my case, admitting that my hormones are running wild goes a long way--and being able to laugh at the "crazy moments" that arise because of those hormones!  The pregnancy process if filled with emotions and new territories, and I'm finding new insightful tools for the journey.

This week our baby is the size of a large raspberry, and is starting to move in the womb.  It's beginning to look more like a human--losing the tail as the lips, eyelids, nose and legs are taking shape.  Mama's definitely looking for Thanksgiving this week, my food cravings have been strong and nothing sounds better than some homemade comfort food!

With the holidays approaching, last year's memory of our Christmas Eve service surfaced.  I held my baby niece while singing Silent Night with the congregation--that song brought a whole new meaning with a sleeping, peaceful baby on my shoulder.  Next year, we will be holding our 6-month old baby on Christmas Eve...what an amazing thought.

Silent Night

Holy Night

All is calm

All is bright

Round yon virgin

Mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Seven: Presence

We've just passed week seven, and it seems like I will never get into the double digits.  These weeks have gone by pretty slow, I think because we are so anxious to reach our second trimester.  However, the first night we found out we were pregnant, I tossed and turned with all sorts of dreams--and what I came away with the next morning was, "stay present in the process."  It's so easy to get overwhelmed with "the next step" or the future, and I feel it's important to stay present with the step I'm in.

So as I keep going back to that idea of staying present, it has been one that I have been attuned with through my yoga practice for years.  However, now I'm having to apply it at a whole new level.  Before I would come back to my breath and my body whenever I needed to get centered, but it's much harder now when I've had a steady level of nausea, my boobs hurt more than ever, and I'm starting to feel those extra carbs set in around my belly.  When you don't necessarily feel "in your own skin", it's difficult to come back to your body.  But then I have to remember that presence is about observing whatever you feel, not judging, and staying with whatever feelings you might have.

So here's the very honest stage passing week seven: I've reached that double-ended sword feeling--I'm EXTREMELY blessed to be pregnant...but I'm not sure it's that much fun.  I know some women enjoy pregnancy, and that's amazing.  But for someone who has worked really hard to feel comfortable in her body, it's hard to go through all of the changes and feel like all of my work has been negated.  I know it's for a much greater cause, but part of the process is giving up portions of yourself to host your baby, and it's not always easy.  Especially so early--I don't get any of the benefits of hearing the heart beat, kicks, movement, or those incredible signs of life.  The baby is going through a ton of changes, but he/she so so small, it's my body adjusting and preparing for the growth that I feel the most.

On that note, the baby's eyelids, upper lip, nose are forming--he/she is also sprouting webbed fingers and toes.  It's heart has four chambers and the heart is beating 150 beats per minute, that's double our resting heart rate.  The rapid development of such a small little person is amazing to me, and I think that's what I look forward to reading about the most.  It keeps me "present" in remembering that despite all of the nausea, fatigue, and aches--there is a little life inside forging ahead to form a full human being.  It's such a crazy concept that there will be a person entering our lives this summer, and they will be the most important person to us...that's a pretty incredible thought.

I will say my wonderful diet has gone out the window on this stage--I can only eat what WON'T make me sick.  I've had to miss my own yoga training because of nausea, but I'm hoping after five more weeks, I can go back to being more selective on food and attending my regular sessions.  I have been cardio-focused lately (when able) and have started my "Warrior Birthing Training" to prepare for July.  I figure if pushing a baby out is hard work, I better get in shape for it, ha ha!

Dustin had a dream last night that we were having a girl, and from the get-go, I've had the same intuition.  We'll see if our ability to predict was right by January...so long to wait, but I know the holidays will go by fast.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take 

my sunshine away

Six: Tadpole

We have just passed week six, and the gender of our baby is just now being determined.  He or she looks like a tadpole with a tail and budding arms, and is 1/8 inches long.  This past week has been the, "Holy moly, we're actually having a baby!" week...although we were planning, I'm not sure anyone can fully prepare to be a parent.  I can only imagine we have quite a journey ahead of us!  I will be the first one to admit I'm not sure how to be a parent--or even how to be pregnant, but I'm so thankful for people around us who are amazing mentors and guiding lights to us.  I have found that no matter what you face in life, it's important to surround yourself with trusting, sound, solid individuals and support.

We have already started to do our research for our "birthing process", I have found that everyone's birth is very personal, and I value the ability to be able to choose how and where we have our baby.  We are continuously gaining some helpful books and resources, but two of our favorite documentaries so far have been "The Business of Being Born" and "Pregnant in America".  They are both insightful films and definitely give good food-for-thought on how babies come into the world.

My brain is over-saturated with information on pre-natal diet, yoga, birthing options, optimal pregnancy health.  Although I rarely read books of fiction, I thought the other day how I should probably pick one up to give myself an alternative focus.  I have been a little queasy, some days more than others, but any sickness has been manageable.

Although I've started this blog, the "cat isn't out of the bag" completely.  Since we're only at 6 weeks, we have only told our family and immediate network, but are waiting a few weeks longer to share the news with many of our beloved friends.  Although we are confident our little one is growing strong, the first trimester is always a volatile time in regards to fetal development, and we want to make sure he or she is safe and sound.

May I know the right thing with all of me
and do it no matter what the pain. 

A hard road lies before me, shining ones, 

a road filled with great difficulties, 

a road filled with great joys. 

Guide me along it. 

Be at my side

Five: Alive!

I'm not sure there are words to describe the last week of my life, it has been slow and surreal combined with excitement and a sense of newness.  Women have gone through the same thing I did since the beginning of time, it is a natural and common occurrence.  But nevertheless, what a monumental experience.  I had brainstormed all of the creative ways I would tell Dustin if it happened to us, and all of those ideas went out the window that Monday night in October when I saw my positive test result:  PREGNANT

It was a week before Halloween, and the air had just changed to crisp and cool; my husband and I had decided only a month before that we were ready to start a family.  All I could do was run to him, test in hand, and show him the results.  From the timeline, one can tell it happened quickly, which was a blessing--I know conceiving can be frustrating and trying for couples.  I had hoped for the best and planned for the worst, and we ended up with a best-case-scenario.

So on October 29th, we reached five weeks.  Our baby is the size of a sesame seed, and it's little micro heart started to beat.  Blood is beginning to circulate through the body and his/her organ system will be up and running.  It's crazy to believe that so much is happening within such a small creature, but I suppose it is the beginning of life.  My mood has been calm, peaceful and present.  I already feel there has been an expansion of the self.  I have taken the last few years to get in touch with my body, mind and spirit, and it feels like there is already another "faucet of me".  Funny how that feeling comes with only a sesame seed.  But perhaps I believe there is already more--there is a spirit growing and dwelling within me that is separate of my own, but also in coexistence.

I already miss my glasses of wine, but have loved eating nutritious, good foods.  My diet has always been important to me, and now it is tenfold.  I have loved riding my bike in the beautiful Fall weather, and practicing/teaching yoga.  I believe yoga will be a huge part of my pregnancy journey, I am so fortunate to have it.  It has been within the last two months that I have reconnected with my practice and decided to reroute from the fitness industry/self-defense, to teaching yoga.  Since I began to follow that intuitive calling, opportunities have been arising to teach and train.  There has been an enormous surge over the past few months reiterating that God and the universe are truly real--and as I follow my inner heart and gut, a fantastic plan will continue to unravel before me.  I know this baby is a part of that, and I look forward to the adventures that lies ahead.

World Of The Womb 

Tikva Frymer-Kensky

My eye cannot see you.

My will cannot control you.

But I feel your presence,

and I note your being

and I wish you all blessings,

and I love you.